"How did you live all those years without him?"

I might get judged for this post…if so, so be it, I don’t really care.

Ever since Caleb came along I’ve been asked more times than I can count “Don't you wonder how you lived all those years without him?” (or something along those lines).

I’ve never understood this question. 

Maybe it’s because Sarah and I were married 7, almost 8, years before Caleb even came along.  I don’t know why but when people ask me that I think to myself “Is there something wrong with me?  Should I have totally forgotten what my life was like before Caleb? Should he be the end all/be all of my life now? Am I a bad parent?”.  Then I quickly follow that up thinking “Nah….that’s just a typical question people ask” and smile and nod or give the expected answer and walk away. 

I can absolutely remember life before Caleb.  It was great! It’s great with Caleb here now, but it was also great then.  Sarah and I had more freedom and flexibility, more spare time, and more money. 

It was nice.

Am I a bad person for admitting this? 

No, commedians bring it up in their jokes all the time.  Its common knowledge. 

Do I miss that time?

Sure.

Would I ever go back and undo our decision to have Caleb?

Never. 

Caleb is awesome and is a huge blessing and I would never trade him for the world.  He’s a lot of fun and worth every minute of my time and every dime we spend on him.  Maybe that’s the intent of the question, but if so it should be rephrased.  Maybe something like “Hasn’t he just changed your life in such amazing ways?” or “Isn’t he so worth everything you’ve given up?”.  The answer to those would be an immediate and enthusiastic “Yes!”. 

But can I remember life without him…absolutely.  

9 years ago...

Yesterday...

Last night my heart broke...and the pieces swelled with pride

Caleb has been doing a lot of new things lately.  It’s been quite exciting for us.  Last night, however, was a new first that was not as exciting for me.

Last night for some unknown reason Caleb woke up screaming his head off at 1 AM.  It wasn’t an “I’m tired” or “I’m hungry” scream, it was just an all-out “Something has scared me or upset me” scream.  I got up and went in to try and calm him down and get him back to sleep.  Nothing I did had any effect at all, not rocking, singing, holding him and whispering in his ear, nothing!  Finally, Sarah realized that I was not having any success and came in and took him from me and within seconds he calmed and quieted in her arms.  It broke my heart.  It was the first time that I was not able to comfort him and he truly just wanted his mommy. 

It was an odd feeling, though, because while my heart was broken that I couldn’t console my baby, it swelled with pride that this wonderful woman that I love has bloomed into this amazing mother.  This girl that for the longest time did not want children has become a mommy that is capable of completely enthralling Caleb’s heart and in the process my own.

Last night I had to come to grips with the fact that no matter how great of a dad I am, my role as a dad is significantly different than Sarah’s role as a mother.  Despite the cultural trend to abolish gender roles, they are undeniable.  Sarah will always be who Caleb will run to when he falls and scrapes his knee (until he no longer runs to anyone).  I will always be the one he looks to as the instigator of the activities that cause him to scrape his knee (Just kidding, but of course some truth there as well).  My role as a dad will be the leader, the rock, the example.  I’ll admit, I’m not one of those 100% manly men.  I have this nurturing side that craves to be the comforter.  And I can still be to an extent...probably more for Sarah than for Caleb, as it should be.  But my role as man of the house, spiritual leader of the house became more clear to me last night at 1 AM when my heart broke...and the pieces swelled with pride.